For years, I have been searching for what it is that I am made to do. I am not convinced that the course I finished in college is really my calling, I felt that I was just led there because I’ve been trained to do artworks my entire life. It started in my elementary days when my teacher discovered my artistic talents. She brought me under her wings and honed my talent further more, joining every art and poster contest we could find. There even came a time when she (my art teacher) and my journalism teacher almost went to a fight over my schedule as there’s an art competition and an editorial caricature contest that we are all preparing for and they wanted me to train on both, thus the struggle for training schedule. What can a kid do? I just watched them battle it out. The same story continues on when I was in high school. I was even made to attend a poster making contest outside school even with a high fever, so during the contest, everything seems to be a blur to me because I am just not feeling very well.

So then comes the time to choose my course for college, what to choose, what to choose? I actually do not know what I really wanted at that time, and since art scene has been my entire life, I though maybe I was meant to be in Fine Arts. It was really funny as I initially signed up for an Industrial design major, but during the interview, the professor who interviewed me felt that I am more suitable to be in Visual communication. Me, having no idea what is the real difference between the two courses at that time, just went with the flow.  And so, life goes on and I finished with a Bachelor in Fine Arts, Major in Visual Communication degree.

But after graduating, and even after a bunch of work experiences, I still feel that I haven’t found my real calling. What was it really?

Then just recently, about a week or two ago, Jason, I and the kids went to an exhibit by a known architectural designer, Thomas Heatherwick. Seeing his works made me inspired again and ideas of things I wanted to do came rushing in. And at that particular moment I realised that all I  really wanted was to create… simply create, anything. But most of the things I want to create and as evident in my idea sketchbooks are things that are functional, more than aesthetics. That is why I have this itch in my hand from time to time, the itch to create, or put my hands to work, even with just a doodle or a sketch, from baking, to gardening, to painting, to photography, to sewing and crocheting and so on. I just have to have even just a simple yet unique idea and put into paper in a day to make my life fulfilling. And once I already sketched out my idea, the itch is starting to fade, i felt satisfied. I know I would feel more satisfaction if that Idea came to life, but for the moment, that is just enough. I remember a talk that was shared to me by another creative friend, Jessette, a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert where she discussed about these creative geniuses and muses all around us that is making us a channel to execute their ideas… I do feel the presence of these geniuses a lot of times, and in a lot of times too when that creative itch visits me but when no paper is available, those ideas escape me, and no matter how hard I try to remember, it’s just gone. As Elizabeth puts it, it must have flown over to another available creative person already.

Often times I would feel like a ‘jack of all trade, master of none’ because I would just want to try everything, and in most cases, I could cope and manage. But as every creative person knows, ourselves are the most difficult critic we could ever face. I don’t know if I am just hard on my self but I do feel that my works are still fall far shorter than my standard. And before I could even master something, I already wanted to jump to another creative boat.

But now that I finally realised that all I wanted was to create, then I should just embrace it and stop wondering what is out there for me? Because I already know what’s ‘in’ me, then I should just keep on doing it, and eventually, whatever is out there will come to me 😀